It is enough that I know you. You are PHANTOM OF KRANKOR.

Japan does something strange, world doesn't notice anything different.

2009-07-06T21:17:09Z

If you're not geek-minded or even remotely interested in the workings of how society latches onto the mundane and makes it into a cultural event, I suggest you run like hell from this because you're probably going to think less of me by the end. But that's really your own problem, what with your own inhibitions. Actually, to tell the truth I'm frankly amazed I can find this concept fascinating while simultaneously having had intercourse in the same lifetime. If I had the opportunity to do 20 Phds, one of them would probably examine exactly how and why some things, no matter how seemingly inconsequential, go on to influence a niche social zeitgeist for an entire generation of people. With that, I present Exhibit A, the welcome-montage for the 1983 Japanese scifi convention, Daicon IV. It's an entirely fan-made, garage job, geek fest beginning with a synopsis from the previous year's con montage featured a young girl charged with guarding a glass of water by a group of space travellers from pretty much every franchise character pre-1982 before pouring the water on a vegetable which transforms into a spaceship and takes her far away. That kind of insane plotline was all conceived pre-studio Ghibli, by the way. The 1983 intro continues the story, with a rockin' (but unlicensed) use of the Electric Light Orchestra's "Prologue + Twilight" from their album "Time". What follows is 4+ minutes of a Playboy Bunny shitkicking the ass of every franchise pre-1983 this time around. Now, probably only a few thousand people saw this, but somehow 26 years later it's still going... being referenced in anime, manga, etc... and taken to heart by an entire generation of people who weren't even there to see the thing to begin with. The song itself has become kind of an otaku call-to-arms theme as well. I could pop a few references in here of where it's been used... but I've discovered from explaining this entire premise to a certain someone else earlier today that the fewer instances of exposure, the better for one's mental health, so I'll limit it to the most recent example I can think of. The 2005 live action comedy-drama series "Densha Otoko" ("Train Man", which itself was a pretty huge deal in Japan) intro borrows heavily from the Daicon intro, going beyond the levels of homage into near straight rip-off. I'm including both so you can see for yourself.

Oh, that group of friends who got together to animate this thing, went on to form studio Gainax... which might have been successful I think... And if my discussion of social trends doesn't interest you, eat it. You got to see a bunny girl beating up Darth Vader. That in itself is kind of funny.

The fake me lives a more interesting life than the real me.

2009-05-12T15:39:34Z

In the last three weeks, I've racked up over £4000 in travel tickets, scooters, mobiles, gig tickets, magazine subscriptions, blah blah blah.

Except that wasn't me. It was my evil Birmingham based doppleganger, Nega-Gerald.

My dad has from a young age instilled in me a somewhat overzealous precautionary streak in regards to how I live my life. Sometimes this process baffles all logical expectations, such as an inability for his vegetarian self to even handle a cardboard container wherein a meat-based pizza is stored without sufficient hazmat gear or to not rinse a dirty cup out while clean cups sit in the rack opposite the sink having just been washed, as the fine mist will carry the germs over onto a clean cups (which raises the issue of what happens when you're doing any washing up at all, as at some point once the first cup IS cleaned there will be a ratio of clean to dirty cups, so therefore to avoid this inbalance all cups must be either dirty or clean immediately and thus circumvent the possibility of any contamination). I had the ability to shrug off most of this as, well, Dadisms (how interesting that Dadism in this context refers to a suffix referencing Hugh Anderson's ideology but is surprisingly close to Dadaism, an art school of thought which rejects any logic and rationality. Coincidence?) but some of it, such as protecting my identity always stuck. That did make sense and I adhered to it, to the letter. Trying hard not to fuck up and lose any sensitive documentation, shredding all that which was no longer neccessary.

Apparently such measures still do not guarantee total safety. Now while I am the victim of identity theft, I do not consider myself damaged in any way. I am not out of pocket and nothing which was charged in my name has been processed. It really makes me wonder though about the persistence of some people, that after twenty or so attempts to run up hundreds of pounds worth of materials to no avail, why not simply stop? You're not getting anywhere with this one, so just let it go. I wonder how scooters and ticketmaster really supports terrorism or whatever organised crime group is nicking my shit. I can't imagine the hardest of men riding around on something I'd consider buying. And that's actually what pisses me off about this, that whoever it is who took my details and however that happened (probably somebody who works for amazon or play grabbing up details and selling them off. I don't use my card really anywhere else) the fucker is trying to buy all the things I would if I actually could afford it. Except for the construction material... I don't know what's up with that.

Regardless, it's a police matter now. Though I'm not really fussed. The important factors which I shall stress again are that I haven't been charged at all, I'm not out of pocket, Bank of Scotland have shut down the account and I won't be able to use a credit card until I get my new one at the end of the week. If anything, this is more a fart in a spacesuit than a personally damaging criminal act. I don't mean to downplay the effect this sort of thing has on people who are charged, just in my case, well I suppose my feelings towards the fraudsters and their naff attempt to make me pay for their lifestyle can really be summed up by this visual sentiment. But since there isn't a credit card fraud version of the keyboard cat, I guess this will have to do. Play him off, keyboard cat!

How come Beastman gets the dental floss and I get the f#¢king drill in my eye?

2009-02-03T18:27:03Z

The sole reason for having disposable income is:

Proof that someone's education system isn't working.

2008-12-04T20:42:53Z

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081203155309AA2DyM3

'nuff said.

My Hypocrite Holiday

2008-12-01T00:08:35Z

"But Gerald" I hear you ask "How as the ultimate male and Atheist extraordinaire are you able in good conscience to partake in one of the most important Christian festivals without feeling any twinge of guilt about effectively conning all those around you?"

My relationship with religion, tumultuous as it is, was not always so. I was once a good Catholic boy, diligent in all that it entailed. The revelation that there was no Santa Clause (And no Zeus or Ra for that matter, shocker!) was actually a complete non-event as I recall, there was no period of denial and not even a moment where I was told flat out the reality of the situation. From an early age, the logistical improbabilities of an elderly man globetrotting for one night only over a six hour period (closer to 18 if you consider the differences in time-zones) without any kind of government backing or means of transport other than the combined might of a few Holarctic Actiodactyla became apparent to me. I mean, this was obvious, yes? The religious aspect of Christmas was something much harder to come to terms with. Adults believed in the birth of Jesus Christ, but rejected octegenarian delivery services, so there had to be truth behind it.

Most Atheists rarely have to undergo a jarring and unpleasant situation when they realise that institution of religious belief is not only a fraud, but a dangerous fraud at that. I do not limit myself to the Judeo-Chritian organisation here either, as any supernatural diversion can only be described as damaging to the human mind (take a look at any episode of "Most Haunted" for proof). Only a few come to terms with reality after the unpleasant and lengthy terminal illness of a loved one, experience in human malice or other personal tragedy. For me it came about even after years of really, really, really wanting there to be a God. When I looked out into the infinite expanse of the universe, introduced to it by many more intelligent people than I will ever be, the idea that there wasn't some definitive purpose to it was too much to take in and so I began to try and make the peg fit the slot as much as I could. It was only because in my teenage years I was unable to really understand the nature of the universe, and the actual beauty in what really isn't random chance but an incredibly intricate process subject to natural law instead of divine intervention that I clung to what was agnostic beliefs instead of Catholic ones.

I shall digress for a moment. I feel as though agnosticism is easier to deal with than other religious belief systems because most intelligent people are able to identify a lot of the flaws dogma has attached with it almost immediately. If religion was a studio screenplay, the internet fanboys would be all over it like white on rice picking out plot inconsistencies, fallacies and mistruths, not to mention poor character development and cliched so called heroes. Smart people ask questions about religion, ones that they cannot answer. I remember asking in fourth year R.E. class why is belief in Jesus was the only way into heaven, why would God not have brought him to Earth sooner when the continents were closer together and humanity was all in one place? Leaving him to come around when human migration had already gone global meant that there would be thousands of people and dozens upon dozens of generations sent to Hell purely out of the damn bad luck of being born into the wrong place at the wrong time. Agnostics are able to get by this kind of depressing "truth" by accepting that if there is a divine being that set the universe in motion, he's probably too busy to really care if Ugg on the North American continent in 10,000 BC hasn't accepted the holy trinity. Either that, or the divine being just doesn't care that much. This then led me to ask if there were an infinite number of planets in the universe that had intelligent life, would they all have had a Jesus on them at some point in their development and if so, why aren't things like this brought up in the Bible if it is in fact the divine word of God? But I'm losing the plot, let's return shall we?

What does this have to do with Christmas? If I were feeling particularly cynical (who am I kidding?), I'd take the time to remind each and every Christian about the heavy pagan and hedonistic imagery associated with each of the important festivals they have to acknowledge. Worship of an evergreen tree in the winter? Egg fixation at Easter? As I've stated in the past, one might as well reap the harvest and worship a huge vagina before going to Easter Sunday mass if we're going to make religion a huge pick 'n' mix as we have done for the last few millenia. The point is, a long time ago I accepted that most of what we take as our particular religious truth is actually just the bastard child of a series of other smaller, older, easily digested festivals repackaged and administered to whatever chump pays attention to them. The festival has no definitive element of truth behind it, because when you steal from that many sources it becomes solely a matter of personal interpretation. When I was going though my agnostic stage, I acknowledged the benefit of Christmas as a reminder that while there might not be a God in the way my dad or the Pope understands it, the opportunity for a singular moment where humanity could come together for the purpose of self improvement was actually a pretty good thing. Though now that I've moved beyond it, Christmas has taken on another meaning. It shows to me the potential humanity has for being kind, responsible and generous. There is no supernatural aspect to it, since it can and does come from humans alone and that is a wonderful thing. Do we really need an excuse to be like this and only once a year? I think not. Christmas is a wonderful humanist achievement, it serves as a reminder that maybe when we all wake up and realise that we are responsible for ourselves, there is no invisible man who will spank us when we misbehave. When religion is abandoned, when we stop killing each other, alienating our children and denying universal rights to everyone, it's going to be Christmas everyday.

An unusual change of pace.

2008-11-25T16:54:43Z

I think the last time I wrote in here I was still in the US. Then a number of entries were deleted in very short order mainly due to circumstances I don't really feel like going into right now.

First I thought it'd be good to direct your attention to the always excellent Charlie Brooker's take on Manuelgate from last Sunday's Screenwipe:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHBN-CvCXW4

As with most things that are becomming progressively more and more irrelevant in today's world (religion, conservatism, religion, swearies in da media, religion) I was brought into this discussion about the disgustingness-ness of this affair by my father. As Mr Brooker points out, neither me or my dad saw, or rather heard, this shit go down yet no later had he heard about it from a third party news source was the oft overused "hanging's too good for them" nugget brought out.

What really irks me about this and the reaction by so many other people that get on ther hump about alternative comedy is exactly where the real offense lies in this affair? My dad (up until this event I presume) was a fan of Jonathan Ross or at least tolerated him enough to watch him on a weekly basis, but take any episode from his now-on-hiatus Friday night talk show or any other appearance on a panel show and explain to me how it's any different from his usual schtick? Case-in-point:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JYZ5wb4B9c

This then leads us to Russell Brand, a man who I've never actually considered to be particularly amusing and I refuse to show a clip from Ponderland, but again... how is this any different from what he's paid to do weekly? Presumably, the real crux of this issue that they called up an old man, still held in regard for a television series over 30 years old which ran for only 12 episodes, which is considered an institution not just in this country, but globally. The fact that 30 years after, "Fawlty Towers" tops the lists of favourite comedy shows and is routinely student-fare during for each new university yeargroup I would argue sends any notion that the kids ain't got no respect for us old timers straight to the nearest deathcamp. Finally, If the issue is that two people in the media pranked an unsuspecting codger, then why are these two still part of society, much less still in a job?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=372Ah0Z_L1w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0B6GYnyiN8

Can you imagine what would have happened if Chris Morris had called Andrew Sachs for a segment of "Blue Jam"? I imagine he probably would have played him the tape of Russell banging Georgina Bailey.

What my father and unfortunately everyone else who complains to Ofcom fails to understand is that the television is not like some drunk stranger who got invited to your party by mistake and called your wife a cunt and you can't get rid of. When it offends, turn it off. Except that this shit happened on the radio, which is probably an even more dead medium than people would like to admit openly, further confounding me as to who in the general public actually heard what they were complaining about?

Some time ago I commented that it was amusing that the Bush administration had effectively been a backdrop to my relationship with the United States since 2001. I've travelled back and forth, and regardless of the duration, lived there but always forced into a degree of silence because of my own political affiliations and sensibility. While I was sad that that aspect of my life ended, the fact that it coincided with the end of the Bush administration at least to me seemed like an incredibly positive thing signalling some degree of resolution and an oppurtunity to move on. The impetus of Barack Obama's first term made me wonder about my future relationship with the US, or even if I'd have one. As much as I'd like to go back, the friends that I did make there are so deeply affiliated with those who have caused great offense, it would be difficult to reconcile with them for at least a few years and it really makes me wonder where else I could go in the immediate future. I genuinely feel like I wouldn't be welcome since the communication I do share comes across more out of guilt that anything else, to make sure that whatever hostility I have directed is not directed at them and when established, I once more become conveniently forgotten. More than anything else, I just feel like I'm being maintained as some commodity, to be taken out and looked at once in a while with no real care given to the maintenance of the friendship. It's cool to have an international buddy, they have an accent and adopt socialism, etc.

Even though I'm not happy about the situation, part of my anxiety stems from the difficulties in maintaining an onrunning dialogue with the friends I have on this side of the world, in this very country and this very city. Weeks and months can go by without the slighest hint of activity, when suddenly I am bombarded with either too much attention or whining as to why I haven't been in touch. The process isn't difficult, just release it in doses of a weekly basis and you will avoid the stress I feel when I simultaneously have to loose one person so as to have time to talk to another about why I haven't spoken to them in a while. Is this just what it is to get older? To have your friends exist in some state of "cat in a lead box" reality vs unreality? Can't I just have a mortgage instead?

Medical Observations

2008-05-05T01:06:40Z

I think we're all relatively familiar with the onset of blind rage that comes with online or network gaming, most apparent in the FPS genre with titles like Halo, Rainbow Six, Counterstrike, etc. For those unfamiliar, a simple search for "Croyt" on youtube comes up with a large number of case studies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG42S_PmRs4

Though now, I've started to observe the same occurance in the most user/family friendly of games. It's only a matter of time before Mario Kart Wii related homicide stories appear. If you thought guys getting stabbed and maced in Gamestops/Gamestations over the much lauded but seriously overrated GTA IV was bad, let me break down an exchange I had with Ross today.

"I think my favourite part was all the fan service they did, like the Mario Galaxy themed Rainbow Road being a prime example"

"I think my favourite part was when you got hit with the blue shell before you crossed the finish line and you wanted to throw a hissy and the clerk wanted to kick your ass for it."

"That doesn't count."

Though I see his point. Contrary to what Nintendo USA CEO Reggie Fils-Aimé says, "More players" doesn't necessarily equate "more fun". In fact, it comes off as a huge clusterfuck of Koopa shells, lightning bolts, more shells, banana peels, more shells, and the usual "the rules don't apply to the CPU characters" mantra where instead of feeling challenged by being in first place, it just comes off as a punishment. An unrelenting and infuriating bum slamming without the minor psychological panacea that eventually it'll be your turn to be the pitcher.

Still, I'm sold... with friends it's a lot of fun and about 100% times less deviant. I recommend giving it a go. Now all I have to do is wait for the launch of Wiiware so I can play the new Strong Bad games.

compelled to write something

2008-04-28T23:40:18Z

Quite a while ago, just before my birthday, I had a conversation with Andrew about the direction I was taking my life. He asked me why, despite seven years prior when we'd been so adamant that we'd both be writers before we were Thirty, I hadn't written anything of a fictional capacity since the advanced course we'd taken when we were 18. After a while, I opted against it, since I thought it would create bad blood between two friends who had been so close since we were just able to communicate verbally, if one succeeded how would the other react, etc. Instead, I decided to go down the route of a Phd, leaving any writing I would do to be of a purely academic fashion (recently I've been thinking about a guide on early political caricatures).

He's getting published in Autumn and practically begged me to take up the cause once again and badgered me continually up to now.

While I have no plans of abandoning my earlier ambitions, I realise now that his success would have no impact on me other than the joy I'd feel that he achieved what he wanted after seven years of trying. The summer months are approaching and as I find myself once again stateside, where every other time I've crossed over I returned with enough material to keep me in anecdotes until my next trip, I can't help but feel that this time the transfer of information will be into something a little more traditional than the blogosphere.

If that doesn't work, I could always go work for Wired.

An update? It must be your birthday.

2007-01-23T00:05:29Z

I've returned from a period of self-imposed restraint into the blogging sphere. Was it perhaps because I felt overcome with feelings of inadequacy due to mightier champions of diatribe than myself releasing, en-masse, wave after wave of malice towards the right in a period of American-based political upheaval and the taking of a congress? Or possibly via the downfall of our own political leaders through seriously, and I quote, "naughty shit" they seem content to commit? Have I nothing to say? Quite the opposite. Am I too busy? I still seem able to metaphorically wank over any produce directed at me by Shigeru Miyamoto, so it can't be that either. So what?

In fact, I just got bored. I had no patience to sit and put genuine thought into anything I wrote that had no genuine academic basis or result which would benefit me in the long run. I might have garnered a few laughs, but I could have done the same by saying "cockosphere" to anyone I know and not spend an hour formulating and committing it to html. This takes time and I get bored. But I'm not so bored now, so you'll see some more updates, given you want to read them.

So just what HAVE I been doing? I could focus on university, but given I have no friends I've known for more than six months who take a postgraduate course, it would mean very little to them to hear me gripe about the expectations coupled with the complete oxymoron of lapse discipline that come with being a postgrad student. Lecturers/teachers clearly do not give a shit anymore. Deadlines cease to exist, yet tensions mount. Fees skyrocket, yet nobody mentions their woes of having three and a half grand disappear overnight. Have I merely stepped into an alternative reality of perpetually stoned students?

Wait, wouldn't that be regular reality? I can't explain it. It's almost like we're adults now, where paying bills are simply second nature. I worry for the possibility of an future expanding waistline and what ungodly havoc may be unleashed if I eat after 9pm, like my internal mogwai* is just waiting for a chance to turn to the dark side... don't get me wet, that's all I'll say.

I did start two new jobs. The first being at everyone's favourite eclectic nighttime leisure music cafe, the Beanscene on Ashton Lane. Although the facade has now been broken for me and I realise that the rustic charm, the vaguely reminiscent smells and free expression are just dirt, piss and moody gays. No seriously... I'm not being prejudiced. REALLY moody gays, who hate me and blame me for anything that might hint at one in particular's laziness (in spades I might add. He is a champion for wanton arse-scratching. Time actually slows on his approach from which not even light excapes. His moody cock is the event horizon and I am a hypothetical particle, superceding light's escape velocity.)

Plus I'm pretty sure everyone has fucked everyone else in there. It's like they employed me to maintain some uber-PC quota for straight employees.

My second job lands me in two high schools on a weekly basis, where I am paid over £14.00 an hour to scare children. Truth. I am making them shite themselves about uni and relishing the chance to ruin the life of the perpetual texters during lessons, the genetic "wide-os" and otherwise annoying ilk. What amazes me most about this experience is actually illustrating the minor percentile of students who pay attention. I am charged with 15 of them at the moment in one school, of which I believe strongly only four will receive a passing grade from me. Not because the others are thick (well...) but because I genuinely believe they don't respect me because I'm not a real teacher. This has not stopped me from having my fun with them, even if I can't openly chew them out for their actions. The full gravity that their chance of going to university may very well rest with ME has not quite sunk in yet. I look forward to reminding them of this when the final assessment is due.

On a less sober note, I have to say that the Wii is an excellent piece of kit, which I should have a very happy relationship with in the coming years. If only they had actually thought about releasing some GAMES for January and February, that would have been awesome...

I'm also going to see Jarvis Cocker at the ABC on the 20th of February. An early birthday present, given that my aging to a mature 24 this year will require an albeit brief night of fun before my early twenties cockiness surely snuffs the lid.

I'm going to bed now.

*Not the band, moron. I can't believe you actually asked that.

Crazy Fucker Dies the Way He Lives

2006-09-04T13:32:36Z

I can already see the Onion headlines.

Steve Irwin : 1962-2006

A Brief Account of the Summer...

2006-08-15T23:42:35Z

In summary:

I assumed an aquatic form and became pure liquid for a brief venture.

A mysterious ancient tablet granted me the power of flight and robbed me of my primitive notions of modesty. Underwear away!

I learned to groove mexico-style, invoking Ikthor in the process (picture not included).

My Bullshit radar sounded off multiple times. I'm sorry, "scientist"?

I entered into a new universe, devoid of logic and reason and no free refills.

Specifics from the horse's mouth, children. I have such stories to tell...

An actual update.

2006-07-31T19:14:29Z

Guten abend.

While I'm quite certain on some piece of documentation it stated that I had to spend the time I had in the United States actually IN the United States, we all opted to take an expediated (all expense paid trip I might add) to Cancun, a beach city on the coast of Mexico. I generally shy away from the idea of a beach or even the ocean, but I had to say that the prospect of actually seeing a pristine, virgin, beach that is not hindered by the British standards of beach life (Donkeys, donkey poop, radioactive isotopes) was tempting enough to actually get on the plane.

I've never had a machine gun pointed at me before now, my shorts remained relatively unscathed, but I found that this is merely common practice when you go south of the border, since the military occupy the airports in this area. It's perfectly safe, but a fully fatigue-clad soldier definitely gets one's attention. And I have to say that it's a far greater terrorist deterrant than the OTHER security measure they have in the airports: a button you push that either says "GO" or "NO GO". I find it hard to know how you can fail this.

I swear, I have never been so lazy as I have been on this beach. I find the entire area a delight and my only regret is urking up in front of 25 other people when I swallowed a pint or two of sea water which may have had a crab in it also. Although apparently, the fish eat this sort of thing... and we eat the fish... so I'm pretty much a terrible human being for adding my own special sauce to somebody's dinner now.

Anyway, I'll have more to report once I've actually been in the US for more than a day. I fly back tomorrow and have a feeling I'll be stopping by one of the big national parks next week. I'm going off to dig a very big hole in the sand now.

Displace International

2006-07-30T04:06:24Z

Presently posting from Cancun in Mexico.

Don't ask why I'm here just yet. But it's fan friggin' tastic.

THE GREATEST NEWS I'VE HAD THIS YEAR*

2006-07-22T12:35:14Z

PETER CULLEN CONFIRMED AS THE VOICE OF OPTIMUS PRIME IN TRANSFORMERS.

http://www.d13satellite.com/donmurphy/showthread.php?s=&postid=636010#post636010

*not a guarantee

Heated Bodies Hidden by Period Attire

2006-07-18T17:36:15Z

I am required now to fully show off everything I was wearing that heated Summer day, last Saturday when Paul and Julia tied the knot, topped the lid, made biscuits in the oven of unification and so on. The only snaffu, at least to my knowledge, was by sod's law from my own hand when I pre-empted the music to be played upon Julia's walk down the aisle even though I had been given the go-ahead. I could see her out the window and she wasn't walking. Possibly a part of me thought that a little rhythm might expediate her motions. Alas, she was intercepted by a giant lensed film jockey and I felt like a lemon.

There is something vaguely satisfying about sitting by a pond in my finery when regular people walk past you. It had nothing to do with the shade available there, it was solely to garner many raised eyebrows.

Photos?

Terry tells me that a man apparently died doing what I'm doing right at that moment. He stuck a shite covered cane right through his foot and it went sceptic. But if you ask me, if you;re thick enough to cover your cane in poop and stick it in your body, you deserve what's coming to you.

Ben and Rich doing their best Ent impression.

Staying out of the light. It burns something fierce.

Now converting into sepia for added posh-arsehole mystique.

The water located behind us is almost entirely comprised of Lysteria and mud. Preserved for accuracy's sake from when Osterly park was London's most happening Victorian bestiality club.

A very happy couple indeed.

I also have to bitch that the very expensive shoes I had my eye on are completely unavailable, so it looks like I have a grandiose purchase in footwear to make across the pond.

And that's for you!

A decleration

2006-07-10T02:07:44Z

I think it's safe to assume I no longer require any female contact.

You cannot begin to understand the comfort, petty chair-sitters!

In addition: shouldn't logic dictate that NEW Super Mario Bros. for the DS Lite should be harder than Super Mario Bros. for the NES? Why can't I beat the damn NES version?

Yes, and because I'm talking to Laura right now:

1) The Magnetic Fields: Strange Powers
2) Polysics: New Wave Jacket (Japan at it's best)
3) Luminous Orange: Starred Leaf
4) Kinski: Daydream Intonation
5) Mogwai: Superheroes of BMX
6) Kinski: Waves of Second Guessing
7) GYBE!: East Hastings

I have less people who read this than you.

I've come to help you with your problems

2006-07-08T00:56:49Z

Summer's here, hence no updates. Computer activity is nil as possible.

Goin' to America in three weeks, so I'm taking orders now for DVDs and shit to bring back.

Paul and Julia getting married next week though, that's somewhat overshadowing my own good news (Thanks, you douche... way to find love and all, jerk!) that my postgrad is most assuredly going ahead and I can walk around campus being incrdedibly superior this winter and enter the postgrad club to drink fine liquors and waffle on about various gentlemanly subjects. I did finally get around to ordering their wedding present though, which is a great deal more functional and necessary than X-Box 360 controllers, although that would have been a necessary on my list.

Care for photos? I have apparently graduated now with honours and am the proud owner of an MA in Historical Studies. My transcript has funny words on it too.

That guy on my right totally looooooooves the sausage. Although why did I have to be seated with nobody I knew? You can quite blatantly see Ruori and Bill not two seats away from me and I would have had much better things to talk to them about than with that jackass Giles Barker. This commentary greatly depends on you knowing full well of the cad and bounder status of Giles Barker, who from my understanding kisses like your gran.

The hall of ages. Not featured is the throne of lies or the parapet of infamy. I tried to think of something Star Wars related during the preceedings, but couldn't top Adam and Joe's Star Wars dialogue over Pope John Paul II's funeral, which if you can get a hold of is bloody fantastic.

I HAVE THE POWER!!!!!!! (Shot in magical Jiggle-o-vision)

I think I was the only person who actually kept their robe for photo opportunities later on. Gary seems unamused by my tallness. My haircut is also pretty shit I've noticed.

Until next term, adieu! (Dad wasn't amused by my salute to academia. Seriously, they teach you that gesture upon graduation. It's one of the trade secrets of the post-grad. Like self fellation in the boy scouts of America)

We also had a pre-grad party. Some fuckers showed up.

As I understand it, myself and Louise were doing our best impressions of the Hulk and in my case, Spider-Man. No contest.

Lizanne buries herself out of shot as is her wanton fashion of doing things. So to annoy her, I took the next one.

This has cost me the £12 she owes me...

Lisa gives a "thumbs up!" to alcohol! Gerald gives his best drunken "where am I?" smile. I do not photograph well...

Now if you'll pardon me, I have a DS lite to caress like some cubic lover.

This time next year...

2006-06-10T17:15:33Z

Expect me to be paying for all of you to see this.

Some of the most insidious lines of my time which have "PWNED"

2006-06-10T17:02:37Z

"No, I am your father."

"Come son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod."

"Once again Dr Jones we see there is nothing you can possess which I cannot take away."

"This IS Seti-Alpha 5!"

"Which of these guys would you choose?"

DIABOLICAL!

FUCK. YES.

2006-06-07T14:40:43Z

http://movies.crooksandliars.com/TDS-Bennett-gay-.mov

Bennett: Look, it's a debate about whether you think marriage is between a man and a women.

Stewart: I disagree, I think it's a debate about whether you think gay people are part of the human condition or just a random fetish.

AND

Stewart (Rebutting Bennet's assumption that gay marriage is taken less seriously than straight marriage): Divorce is not caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

It comes down to this. There is no guaranteed successful formula for marriage, you cannot claim that outlawing same sex marriage will somehow solidify the heterosexual unions of the world. Gay marriages have already been annulled in America and to my knowledge this has not lowered the levels of couples filing for divorce. If you ascertain that all humans are entitled to the same levels of dignity and the same rights as each other, but say that the right of marriage cannot be given to a specific social group, then you are claiming that they are less than human.

We now live in a world were only one group of people are predominantly desperate to get married and you claim that they're the reason nobody wants to get married? Fuck you and your politics.

Things I have said to literal Bible interpretists that have not been met with an answer.

2006-05-27T13:24:29Z

"...presumably then you don't believe in the concept of evolution or biological change of any sort? So God made ourselves and animals in a specific way, with no deviation from that consensus. But let me ask you this, if you believe word for word what the bible states, then why would God create Adam with a fully working organ for sexual reproduction if woman only came later by Adam's request? I've read the Bible, he didn't ask for a lady and winkle."

"...the Noah story is frankly the least believable aspect of this argument. In some respect, the start of Genesis follows what scientists now believe is the logical progression of life on Earth. Earth, sea animals, land animals, humans, etc... but the idea that a man went across the planet collecting two of each animals and returning to a climate inhospitable for most of them is ludicrous. In the time it would have taken for him to get them, the original pairs he would have collected would be dead for starters. He'd literally need a team of millions walking across the planet catching everything and your trying to tell me for their trouble only Noah, his family and a few of their pals get saved on the Ark? And nevermind that... if all these guys are of an Arab persuasion and evolution is a falacy, then why do we have Blacks, Chinese, Inuit, Caucasian, etc people after the flood?"

"...so what's the going rate for daughter slavery these days?"

It might have a bogus name

2006-05-12T10:01:20Z

E3's booth for the Nintendo Wii this year?

GEEK SENSES... OVERLOADING... MUST OWN METROID PRIME 3 AND MARIO GALAXY AND LEGEND OF ZELDA AND, AND THE ALMOST UNBELIEVABLY GORGEOUS SONIC: WILDFIRE.

If you thought they couldn't cram more pixels into an engine, you're just retarded.

But you're telling me the only LucasArts game on show for ANY system was Star Wars Lego, again. Where are "Galaxies" and "Rogue Squadron" and such and such?

And Infinium Labs STILL got a booth?

(The prize for this year's most bizarre Nintendo game goes to: http://trailers.gametrailers.com/gt_vault/t_supersmashbros_brawl_e36.mov)

On another topic...

2006-04-22T19:16:03Z

No, not that one...

For further clarity on what myself and Andy mutually agreed were "Fud dressers" I present a short passage on the subject, as they are not contained to one specific social order. For example, there are gothic fud dressers, but not all fud dressers are gothic.

No youth-based culture has ever existed which hasn't been image conscious, The very nature of fashion relies on human's desire to outshine one's peers and this continual oneupmanship reaches various apexes before reclusing into a hibernation stage. I will prove this scientifically and historically given this is my field of expertise. The French revolution and to a certain degree the initial abandonment of Francophobia in the late 18th century was based, in part (albeit a small one) on the overt opulance and decedance of the ruling elite. Satire of the time focussed on the outrageous hairstyles and types of dress worn by London and Paris' landed class and lampooned them to the extent that their outward appearances in effect took on a living form. The humour lay with the idea that fashion-savvy types took such an interest and length of time in creating their appearance that it became their only defining characteristic. For evidence, try looking up "Marie Antoinette cartoon" in google image search. My favourite is the galley incorporated into her head.

As we progressed to the end of the 19th century, there was a categorical switch in terms of outward appearance. Modesty and conservatism, even to the point of outrageous sexual retardation was prevelant. And quite expectedly, we have now returned to another apex. One quick google search for "Jeffree Star" should illustrate the extent of this century's theatre of the absurd in terms of style. Make no mistake, I wouldn't mind people who spent two hours spiking their hair, a further two of makeup application and picking out the exact ensemble to create the illusion that they didn't care about their image if it were an act for some performance. Catwalks, in many cases, do not present the viewer with remotely wearable fashion; they exist as a showcase for stiched fabric scultpure, despite most people completely refusing to acknowledge this.

My diatribe is presented because myself and others around me are finding it hard to find anyone who looks attractive. Five hair colours, twelve directions, a furious clashing of colour schemes and the prostitute's eye for skin presentation tells me that you are not normal. And it has nothing to do with the fact that I don't "get you" or understand your music. You're not normal because you've spent more time preping yourself to look like every other fucker in the room that it has actually taken more time than how long you'll spend with your friends. You care more for your steadily worsening complection than real people. I can't remember the last time I went somewhere and could remember seeing the majority of people's faces, I mean the actual SKIN on them. Is it still even there, behind your fucking clown mask?

fucking clown shoes, man...

I mean, here's a simple equation:

+

=

Ask yourself, "Does that person look like some kind of southern equator mammal?" then they're probably a Fud Dresser.

The Case of the Missing Devil-Fish

2006-04-13T22:53:24Z

First off, while generally loathed to give money to toy companies in the vein of Macfarlane toys (who boast "28 points of articulation!" yet neglect to inform you it's all in areas where there are no natural bodily joints or alternatively, it's all in the fingers), NECA is no better. But I feel compelled to buy this when it comes out and just treat it like it is. A tiny plastic statue. Applying the term "action figure" to this item which from the looks of it can rotate its arm but cannot move its legs, waist or knees is innexcusable. One might as well apply the term "Planned Iraq Nation Building Strategum" to the army's "don't get shot" policy. Plus, that cricket bat handle is too long and he also appears to have no red on him. Fuck.

I must also congratulate the SCAS for the superb launch to the Fizzers exhibit. It's my intent to go back at the less VIP orientated interval as well as to check out the history of caricature and political cartoons exhibit from the likes of Dr Grove. New vigour courses through my body when he gets excited over the ideas presented in my dissertation. Take THAT penmanship and plagiarism! Also, I am likely to kill my father due to (for reasons known to only himself) he opted not to use the flash option for any photographs he took that evening. The results are almost uniformly dark and blurry, take for example this photograph of myself with Brian Cox.

The keen minds among you will observe that along with pointing out the impotence of the photographic recording of that evening, it was also a thinly veiled excuse to show myself with Brian Cox. Fortunately, photographs cannot detail the dialogue shared between us, which could have devolved into "I thought you were great in X2, but Manhunter was total wank. Now say Quim!" I mean, jesus, it ALMOST looks like we have the same freshly blasted coal mine facial structure.

In the realm of academia, my finals have begun. Black Death is officially over with next to no interaction with Prof Cohn. There's only so long a man can milk his father's death until ignoring us just becomes rude. It would have been very nice if he'd actually explained what the terms of the new exam which NOBODY HAS EVER SAT BEFORE were, but that would actually require a devotion to the duties outside of just reading about dead Florentines and having fist fights with Mendicants. We are talking about a man Dr Munck called a simpleton. For context, one must understand that Dr Munck is batshit fucking loco, but pulls it off since the man does spend all day looking at pictures of giant nosed Dutch illustrations.

It should be a mandate

2006-03-20T23:25:59Z

To go see V for Vendetta, despite how you might be put off by David Lloyd's sometimes questionable artwork.

Best. Montage. Ever.